Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
