I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
