Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
there's paper in my vomit.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
