New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
