Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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