When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
