I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
