Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He literally asked permission to hit on me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
