He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
