Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
