did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
