you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
