you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
