if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
