I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
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Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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