he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
