My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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