wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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