accomplished twins. life is a go
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he just fucked me for my cheese.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
