the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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