using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
