I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
