I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
