Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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