he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
