If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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