The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
