Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i love accidental penises.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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