i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
