The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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