so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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