I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
