Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
