Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
