Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if only i could text you this smell
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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