OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
