He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
