Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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