Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
