not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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