he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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