I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
