best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
