just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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