last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
