sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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