bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
