bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
