Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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