He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
