I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
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we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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