Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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