yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
