That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
