Sorry, I don't speak sober.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
