I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
