Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
