A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
