Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
