i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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