My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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