It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
