if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
