Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
